So long story short, I started testing early last cycle after the IUI, got a faint positive at 13 DPO, and it was gone by the next day. I’m almost sure that means I had a chemical pregnancy, which really blows, but at this point it’s not really as devastating as it may have been for me a year or two years ago. Sad but true.
The worst part, honestly, was letting myself get back into that cycle of obsession with testing. I’m not joking, I spent $50 going through four boxes of First Response Early Result pregnancy tests, willing my eyes to see something that was never fully there. I know this time I will test 12 DPO, so Wednesday, Dec. 18. But I am not letting myself do it before that. It’s too much heartache and stress, and I’m not doing it again.
I want to be positive/optimistic, but I’m just neutral. I told Josh today, in the exam room as we were waiting for the doctor to come administer our seventh and final IUI, that I felt like we were just burning money doing it today. I know that’s Negative Nancy territory, but I can’t help it. It has been three very long years, and the longer we keep doing this, the less attachment I have to it. I am relieved, in a way, every time it doesn’t work. I wonder if that means deep down that I don’t actually want children, and that scares me. Maybe I don’t, or am not meant to. And maybe this is the universe’s way of reminding me of that.
Those are the thoughts that go through my head a lot and have since we started down this path, but I’m not as sad about it as I used to be. When family/friends of ours with kids can’t do something because they have kids and we get to do whatever we want, whenever we want, I can’t hate it. I truly have a great life, and there is a lot to be thankful for. Would a child make it better? I’m sure. But I don’t feel like I’ll be incomplete without one anymore.
Anyway. This time around, I had a 17 mm and 14 mm follicle on my left ovary and a 17 mm on my right, which makes me happy. Both sides is what I was hoping for. Josh’s count was good, the IUI went smoothly. I’m crossing my fingers that this is the one, but if not, time to start prepping to transfer that last little embryo.
Before I get into my primary spiel, just a quick update on the medical side of things. Our clinic’s financial department approved the $1,500 biopsy fee for our embryo genetic testing as opposed to the $4,000, thank GOD. They have enough of my money so really, one less thing I have to fight is great. We need to pay it by Aug. 1, and then the actual testing cost at the lab they send the biopsied cells to is another $1,500 ($250 per embryo plus a $250 flat rate for shipping). So $3,000 total which…kill me, but it’s better than $5,500.
I went to Quest for them to draw blood for my roughly 38473482 tests yesterday, to check for potential chromosome issues in me that would prevent me from carrying a healthy pregnancy. Nervous to get those results back. Josh does his tomorrow — obviously not to check for things that would be an issue with pregnancy, but things that would affect embryo normality I guess, in a way where we’d have to screen them in a more in-depth and, you guessed it, expensive way. The doctor told us it’s rare for anything to come back abnormal, so I guess we’ll see. So far we’re ticking off all the bad “rare” boxes, though, so what’s one more, eh? #jaded #salty
Our short-term plan is PGS testing on our five embryos in August, September biopsy on my uterine lining, and then assuming we have at least one chromosomally normal embryo, transfer in October. Third time’s a charm, right? Or I guess I should say eighth, considering the five IUIs before we started IVF. Which brings me to the title of this blog post.
In my last post, I talked about how the only time I’ve really broken down and cried since finding out we miscarried for the second time was once, while considering the person I am now vs. who I was before we started TTC. I was sitting on our couch, staring at this beautiful collage of photographs from the trip we took to Europe in September 2016, which was the official beginning of our TTC journey. I went through and was pointing out to Josh how much effort I had put into the photos I’d chosen to include.
The big spaces were for the landmarks from each city (Paris, Munich, and London) we visited that corresponded to these canvas wall art pieces we had made when we moved into our house. The squares at the bottom of each of the three sections were of food from each place. The middle rectangles were of both of us for the London section (thought technically it was from Disneyland Paris, whatever), me alone (France), and Josh alone (Germany), to represent our respective heritages.
But even through all that, the one photo that stuck out to me was the second from the bottom, on the left side — us in Salzburg, which was the only big part of our trip that was almost completely impromptu. We went there for a single day on a suggestion from one of the waitresses in an Oktoberfest beer tent, since it was a two-hour train ride away and we didn’t have anything planned for our last day in Munich. So we thought why not?
This is not only my favorite photograph from our trip, but it was taken on my favorite day of our trip and during my favorite moment — right before watching the sunset over the Alps at the restaurant attached to the Hohensalzburg Fortress, where we sipped wine and just hung out for like two hours. Watching Josh find peace sitting high above the world and looking around and taking countless pictures (something he doesn’t do often) and telling me he was thankful I’d persuaded him to take this trip, even though he’d initially had reservations, was everything. Truthfully, if I knew what I did now about how much fertility treatments would ultimately cost us, I might’ve been hesitant too.
But the biggest thing I think about is how this moment was unplanned. And it turned out to be my favorite moment — me, a type A person to the point that my (multi-page) wedding-weekend itinerary is still a running joke among our poor bridesmaid and groomsmen friends, almost five years after our wedding. And it also made me realize a few things about life that, if you’re like me, I think you just can’t really understand until you live them, like how to find patience — true patience, not tourist-walking-too-slowly-on-a-narrow-sidewalk-in-front-of-me patience — and let go of things you have no control over.
I look at the girl in these photos and see so much anticipation for the next chapter of life. Someone who armed herself with the key to all the big milestone doors along the way well in advance, dotting every I and crossing every T to make sure when she got to the BABY door, the key would slide in and turn without much resistance. High-school and college graduation, financial independence, health, a decent amount of travel, marriage (I had to wiggle that key a little, admittedly) — you name it, I was able to achieve most of what I wanted through hard work and perseverance and just being a generally good person. The person in those photos knew that preparation was the answer and, in turn, the key to all those big life-milestone doors.
The person today, who’s a few years older, a few years wiser, and a few notches sadder, doesn’t feel that way. Not completely, anyway. I feel like I had the right key and it unlocked the BABY door, but something unexpected happened: Another door appeared just a few feet in front of it instead of giving me a 9-month-long hallway to make my way down until I reached the next door, MOTHERHOOD, which I had the next key for tucked firmly in my pocket. There was no middle key, that I knew of, but my focus was so zeroed in that it seemed I missed some piece of information that everyone else picked up except for me. And I’m still figuring out what the label on this next door says, because it’s like it’s in a different language or code that I’ve been working on cracking for the past two years.
Another issue? The BABY door I came through slammed behind me, which I was used to with all the other doors I’ve passed through in my life because I was always moving forward. It was never an issue. But the problem now is that even though these doors have little windows in them, they feel soundproof. So I sit here and look through them and pretend to be happy, both for the people still behind the BABY door and already past the second mystery one, but I can’t be a part of either of those groups because Josh and I are perpetually trapped in this limbo room.
The first group, we’ve left behind. We don’t party anymore. We don’t do things that people without kids do, not really. And on the rare occasions we do, we don’t get the same satisfaction anymore. And then we have friends with kids whom we’re happy for and we love their kids, but we can’t fully care. Because when you can’t have kids and you want them, the last thing you want to do is be around someone else’s kids all the time. And even if you did, you’d just have to sit there and pretend to care when all they’re doing is talking about their kids, even during the rare occasion when said kids aren’t around.
I was talking to my friend about this a couple of weeks ago (who, incidentally, just had her second baby, who was with her at the time and snoozing like the angel he is) and told her what happened, and she said she sometimes struggles with being the person she was before children and wants to change that and tap back into her independence more in her hobbies and things like that. She listened and sympathized and then did what any good friend does: She told me, in so many words, to love myself, and encouraged me to try and be the person I was before I started trying to have a baby because that person is enough.
The problem with that is that the person I was before thought she would have a biological child someday, and the person I am now isn’t sure of that anymore. Not that my entire identity hinges on the idea of motherhood because it truly doesn’t and I don’t think it ever will, but I knew how to enjoy and be who I was before this because I knew that part of my life that was important to me — much more important than I even realized three, five, 10 years ago — would happen. Eventually.
I explained to my friend that I feel like once you unlock the next phase of your life, it feels like, for me, permission to breathe and settle back into your old bones — the ones that have kind of held you there the whole time, waiting for you to come back once you figure out the next thing. And I don’t know how to settle back since I haven’t figured this big thing out, for the first time in my whole life.
So now, in these next few months leading up to our October transfer (assuming we have a normal embryo in there), I’m working on finding out who I am outside of the assumption that I, one day, will have a biological child of my own. I truly don’t know that anymore, and I would be lying if I said it didn’t scare me. But now, over a month after learning we lost the second pregnancy, another breakdown hasn’t come. And I don’t think it’s going to. Which I don’t see as strength, really, because crying is OK, but I think it’s a sign I’m working toward getting to that life-without-kids or life-with-kids-in-a-different-way mindset, even if I’m not meaning to or even if I don’t completely understand it. And that’s all I can really ask of myself right now.
I’m in that group of people who love The Greatest Showman. I KNOW, OK? But I saw it right when it came out and loved it immediately so whatever. Anyway. I was on an outdoor run for the first time in literally months a couple of weeks ago, and I put “This Is Me” on to take me through the last couple of minutes. For the first time, I heard the lyrics in my own voice as they applied to this infertility journey and I just lost my shit. Thank God 1. No one else was around, and 2. I was wearing sunglasses. But I just felt those words in my bones and it felt good to feel something.
Like I’ve said before, I don’t know if this is all just some test of patience or willingness to let go or sanity or all of the above, but if it is, I just wish whatever powers that be would believe me when I say I’ve learned the lesson. Because while I’m OK most days, other days I feel like I’m screaming into the void, just waiting for someone else to pass through who will eventually remember where they left their key and give me a sympathetic nod as they leave. Because the one constant is that they always do. And right now, I’m figuring out whether to keep searching for my copy of that key to the mystery door or resigning myself to the possibility that I might have to start accepting that there is another way out.
I am not awake or energized enough to think up a clever title, so oh well.
Our transfer was Wednesday, May 15, 2019. The embryologist picked a 4AA day 6 blastocyst to put in. Here it is, our hopeful future son or daughter:
My doctor told me it “couldn’t have gone better,” and said he would be praying for us. The sweet nurse, who knows I’m a writer, made small talk with me about a mini haiku she wrote and said she’d been reading a lot of poetry and name-dropped Shel Silverstein, whom I know nothing about except that one book.
I confirmed they had done traditional/conventional IVF as opposed to ICSI — which results in boys more often than girls (I think the split is 56%/44%), and involves regular fertilization of the eggs as opposed to injecting a single sperm — and that was it.
Then Josh and I went and got Red Lobster (which seems to have become a post-transfer trend, if you count twice as a trend) and ice cream and mini cupcakes for later, and bought some new clothes because we are both too fat for most of our clothes right now, which may or may not have to do with our habits as of late including but not limited to the beginning parts of this run-on sentence. We told the baby they should be thankful that Cheddar Bay Biscuits were their first taste of the outside world, and that there’s more where that came from if they’d just GTF here already.
We also went to Carter’s to look at baby clothes, which Josh was hesitant about but then got on board after he saw a onesie he liked and said, “THIS ONE HAS BUGS POURING OUT OF THE POCKET!” It was adorable.
I feel like I have a million things but also no things to say. Truthfully, this time doesn’t feel much different than the ones before, so in that sense I have nothing more to say. I hope more than anything that this is it for us, and I’ve already started thinking about how my due date (end of January) would be so nice weather wise and how it doesn’t interfere with family/friend birthdays and how nice of a bonus that is (as well as how I would juuuust make the cutoff for a non-“geriatric” pregnancy, holla). I’ve thought about a December baby shower. And I’ve dreamed about having a cute baby bump over the holidays for longer than I’d like to admit.
But the reality is that this might not be it, as much as I want to believe it is. Every little twinge in my lower abdomen (and they have definitely been happening off and on) sends my mind racing until I remember I had cramping with the first transfer and it didn’t lead to a BFP. I haven’t given up, but my heart just doesn’t have the capacity to hope in the way I did when we first started this journey. Even if I see two lines this week, I don’t think I will even be able to be excited until we level up from the last time I got pregnant, in the form of seeing a heartbeat. And if we get to that point, I know I will LOSE IT in the exam room because I start crying every time I think about that scene in my mind.
I try and be thankful for what we do have — each other, and our present and future together — but it’s not easy sometimes. It’s hard to meet two women who are going through IVF the same month as you, see them succeed, know the success rate is 60-70% and not think, “Well, I guess the 1 out of 3 statistical failure is going to be me.”
It’s not fair for me to tell myself these things, and I’m trying not to compare, because these women went through hell too and I am SO happy for them, truly. But this has been our seventh fertility treatment, and that has weighed heavily on us. Figuring out how to toe the line between hope and rationale (and successfully existing among other humans) is something I have always struggled with and will probably spend the rest of my life trying to wrap my head around.
Luckily, I have the greatest support system in my husband. And even without a baby, we have learned throughout this process that we alone are enough.
In true me fashion, the first thing I did today after learning my progesterone levels were adequate and ready for my body to receive an embryo was Google “What is an ideal progesterone level for a FET (frozen embryo transfer)?”
The first thing I found was a study that said anything over 20 ng/ml showed decreased live-birth rates and increased pregnancy-loss rates. I have a level of 38.1! Hooray! So of course, I break down in tears and call my doctor. Nurse calls me back and assures me they supplement their patients with MORE progesterone if their levels are under 20, so I’m choosing to take that plus my lining looking solid at my appointment this morning as a good sign.
The transfer is tomorrow at 11:30 a.m. and honestly, up until now, I haven’t thought about it even a fraction as much as I have my six previous treatments. Yes, folks, this is lucky number seven. My nerves have been low. I have been very que sera and laissez-faire about it (for me, at least) literally until 4 p.m. today, when I Googled as I had never Googled before and tried unsuccessfully to muffle my sobs as I spoke to the IVF nurse over the phone.
I talked to Josh over Google Hangouts during this spiral while he was still at work and he told me I needed to be brave. I argued that making a decision based on convenience isn’t brave, it’s ignorant. He said the bravery comes from letting go, or something, and I said that’s naivete. He sighed loudly (probably) and told me the only thing that has made sense in the past hour and a half: “Let’s not argue.”
At this point, there is really nothing else I can control aside from how I handle these next 18 hours and how much trust I put in my doctors and my nurses, and it’s hard to do that. After six failed treatments, it’s really hard to trust anyone, even myself, even though it’s not any of our faults.
I was talking to my therapist a couple of weeks ago about this whole process and I realized that 99% of our sessions over the past couple of years have been about me trying to have a baby. It made me think about how I want to raise a child — i.e., to know that they are an important part of the world and special and loved, but that they need to work hard and that they are not the center of the universe — and I realized how I’ve been living my life so opposite of that. My entire existence the past two and a half years, for the most part, has been about becoming a parent, and I want to be so much more than that even if I do finally get to become a mom.
I want our kids(s) to look at us and see whole people who model something to be proud of. I want them to feel like an integral part of a bigger purpose, not the entire purpose. I know parents so often say their children are their entire lives, and as much as I want any child of mine to know they are the most important part of my life, I don’t want them to think they are the only important part, and I have been doing a bad job of living that way myself. I want a child to come into an environment Josh and I have created because it was borne out of who we are as individuals and a couple, not out of a fake version we want to present as a child.
It really has made me, deep down, realize that if we don’t have kids, I’m going to be OK. We absolutely would want to adopt, I think we would just need some time to grieve this part of the process. And for a while I felt so guilty about that, but I don’t anymore. I think of anyone (especially people who have had biological children and therefore have no business commenting) having the nerve to tell us the right/least selfish way to do this and I laugh, because you don’t truly realize the gravity of something you can lose until you’re on the edge of losing it yourself.
For now, I’m just going to keep my thoughts positive, resist the urge to have “one last drink” for the 329248th time this week (don’t judge me), actually do my IVF meditation tonight, and try very hard (again, for the 329248th time this week) to find a mental balance between what is and what could be.
As someone who is dealing with infertility in a day and age where information is at your fingertips, I have to say I’m really lucky. I’ve met so many other women over the internet who have struggled with the same things I have — some of them with journeys so similar it’s scary — and it has brought me a lot of hope and a sense of belonging I haven’t really felt comfortable being vulnerable enough to seek out in real life outside of a couple women I knew were struggling before my own infertility journey started.
One of the biggest places I have found support and a community of women who truly understand is the Glow app, which has been a lifeline for me at times when I know I can’t go to my friends or family members and hear “It will happen, just relax” or “What is meant to be will be” or, the worst, “Do you just want my kid?” (the least funny thing ever) one more goddamned time.
And to their credit, they all mean well. There is just nothing you can really say, and I understand that is a struggle. I am the queen of making insensitive jokes in an effort to lighten the mood even with people I’m closest to and when I know it’s not the time, but that shit slips out anyway and, in fact, did just the other night after we found out Josh’s granddad died. I don’t remember what I said to Josh but it was slightly too far and goes to show even I, the martyr who is throwing my loved ones under the bus right now, am not immune to the occasional (OK, probably more than occasional) foot-in-mouth episode.
Glow has been a safe haven for me because it has shown me the sheer number of other women who not only struggle with what I’m struggling with, but have it way worse — which is something that really puts my journey in perspective and makes me thankful for what I do have. There are women who have been trying to have a child for a decade, women who can’t afford fertility treatments or adoption. Women who have had miscarriage after miscarriage or who have lost their babies right after birth, and I just cannot imagine.
But I have also met quite a few women who have been on the edge of a treatment cycle, just like me. And every single time, these women go on to have babies — during the cycle I meet them. All of them except me. Every time, we message each other constantly throughout our cycles and it goes something like this:
Me: “Hey, how are you? What are your numbers looking like?”
Future Pregnant Chick: “Great! My numbers are XYZ, but I’m not expecting much!”
Me: “Oh same and me either lol I am hoping for the best though!”
Back and forth, updating each other on appointments and hormone shots and comparing levels and random other shit until one day in the near future…
Previously Future Now Currently Pregnant Chick: “OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE IT, I SEE A FAINT LINE — RIGHT, I’M NOT CRAZY!?”
Sad me pretending to be excited and simultaneously feeling guilty for having to pretend at all: “GIRL YES HOLY SHIT I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU CONGRATS!”
This has happened to me at least five times now, to the point where I’ve started secretly dubbing myself the Good Luck Chuck of Fertility. I don’t know if you’ve seen that movie with Dane Cook, but if you haven’t, don’t. I haven’t even seen it because why would I, but I know the premise and it’s basically like…girls have sex with him (? Ew) and then find their true love, who is not him. So that’s me. I somehow have sex with these women’s hope and then they have a baby, and I’m left still babyless.
And that all sounds so shitty, I know. Originally, I was in it for the support, and I’m very thankful I have found that. In fact, I have made one really true friend whose baby girl is six months old today, who was due around the same time as me when I got pregnant last year, and she is always checking in on me and is the most wonderful person. But for the most part, the people disappear.
And that’s one side you don’t hear about much, even if you’re aboard the infertility train: That even the women who are struggling, most of them will eventually move on with their lives too. Which is 100% how it should be, but it just wasn’t a side effect I was expecting, I guess. The extra large hole that is left when the women who “get it” eventually migrate to join the group of people who are moms is…almost a worse feeling than before.
But deep down, I know this vulnerability is going to help me be a better mother or, at the very least, a better person. It has to, right? And to be honest, I know I will eventually able to be happy with just the latter.
I’m going to apologize to the blog gods in advance on this one because I’ve had too many mimosas (champagne + Welch’s mango) and I can’t apologize to readers because this is going to be a private entry like my last one.
HI. It’s been over two months since my last post. When we last left our heroes, they were on a cloud of positivity and hopefulness and a few days later, they were smacked back down to reality with a big fat fucking negative pregnancy test, fun! So here we are again, waiting until our next step.
The good news is we only have to wait a few more weeks. Josh and I decided that if our fresh transfer didn’t take, we’d wait three months to do the first frozen one. I told myself I’d use those three months to get healthier and lose some weight and get myself in the right headspace. I think I did the latter thing? But I didn’t lose weight. In fact, I gained a few pounds, so that’s fun. Probably from alcohol. (Not really.) As soon as Josh’s brother and sister-in-law head home tomorrow, I’m going to buckle down for these last couple weeks leading up to our transfer because damn, all my clothes are already tight and I’m not even pregnant.
Getting a negative test really sucked. I felt the cramping and everything that made me feel like maybe that was it, and now I’m kicking myself a little for not doing the PGS testing on the embryos. Not REALLY because again, so much debate surrounding it, but I can’t help feeling like “what if.” Also, we learned that thawing and testing the frozen embryos will cost $6,000 so LOL no.
I don’t think I’ve mentioned this yet, but if the next transfer doesn’t take, my doctor wants to do an ERA test. Which is basically a super painful, $3,000 ordeal where he goes in and scrapes a bit of my uterine lining to biopsy it and see if they’re transferring at the exact right time or if they need to tweak by a few hours or whatever. He is suggesting this instead of our suggestion of transferring two embryos for a third cycle, and I’m just like…IDK. There are debates about that test too and in case you missed what I said earlier, it’s three thousand effing dollars. I’m trying not to think about crossing that bridge unless I come to it but at this point, I just assume the non-baby bridges are the ones that are going to come. Which I know is terrible, but I’m just…tired.
I’m tired to the point where I’ve started duping myself into thinking I don’t actually want a kid, despite being giddy every time I see/hold a baby. I’ve started doing that thing a lot of us do when we’re younger and side-eyeing people with kids like they have no idea what the fuck they’re doing in life and are in for a world of pain and just bending to societal expectations, and trying to convince myself that I, somehow, got the long end of the stick here. I’m feeling like how Robin felt in that episode of How I Met Your Mother when she found out she can’t have kids and even though she had decided she didn’t WANT kids, it’s different when the universe makes that decision for you. When it’s no longer your decision, it castrates you a bit. And how I’ve been dealing with that is silently judging others for having kids and “ruining their lives” (obviously a complete bunch of BS). And the aforementioned mimosas.
The truth is Josh and I are at a crossroads in life where we don’t fit in with either side of people our age — the side who have kids (most of our friends our age) and the side that doesn’t want them but still has the option. And that is a hard place to be in. We don’t fit in with the kid people and we’re pretending to fit in with the non-kid people, but the truth is we are neither of those. And maybe we’re just trying to force ourselves into a box too hard, but all that has done is alienate us from everyone and now I’m not even sure how we’re supposed to get back. We’ve both been tempted to just start over elsewhere and with new friends (sad, huh?) but none of that will erase the fact that we want children. All it will do is make us friendless and as much as we have gotten accustomed to retreating into the shadows, the support we have gotten over these past couple have years has been a big ingredient in keeping us afloat. We might not say it very much, but we are thankful.
Right now, we are keeping ourselves busy with house projects. Josh has redone our floors and put in hardwood laminate both downstairs in our living/dining rooms and in my office, as well as our loft upstairs, and we have people coming to put new carpets in the three bedrooms next Wednesday. I have my baseline ultrasound for the transfer that morning, too, and then we’ll transfer one of our day 6 embryos (a 4AA or the 5AA) sometime between May 8 and May 17, depending on when my lining seems ready. And for now, our focus will be on getting that to stick. And probably doing the laminate on the stairs. And putting up a backsplash in the kitchen, and painting the kitchen cabinets white. Because why not? Distractions, gotta love ’em.
I realize I buried the lede here but today is the one-year anniversary of my D&C, which seems extremely surreal. I feel like it was both yesterday and a complete other lifetime, and that’s a testament to what a roller coaster this has been. It has honestly not felt like a whole year since I did the physical part, but the emotions seem like a whole other phase of this journey. It’s hard to explain.
One perk of my job is that sometimes people tell stories of their own that really resonate with me, and the biggest example of that happened recently when I interviewed Melissa Rauch, of The Big Bang Theory fame. She went through a miscarriage before having her daughter, who’s about a year and a half now, and she told me that when she was going through the hardest parts, she hoped that when she finally became mom that it would make the hard parts (sleepless nights, etc.) a little easier because she would remember how hard she had to fight to get there.
“That was my hope, that it would be one bit of silver lining from that difficult time, and I can absolutely say that is 100 percent true,” she said. “I haven’t taken one moment for granted, and I’m just eternally grateful for every moment — which I know every parent is — but I definitely think that struggle to get there really has just made me super present. I don’t take a second for granted.”
I think about this ALL the time, like I tell the universe in my own way that if I’m allowed to become a parent I won’t complain about the things new parents complain about. And it’s just really nice to hear someone who has been through it and come out the other side say that is how it happened for them.
Anyway. This is getting rambly but my point is that even though I feel alone, I know I’m not. Sometimes it’s just easier to pretend that I am.
If I could sum up the last two years I’ve spent seeing my (amazing) therapist, it would be with this sentence. At least every other session, she reminds me of this little mantra. We’ve discussed it in length. In theory, it seems pretty simple: Send what you want out into the universe as opposed to waiting for the other shoe to drop, and ye shall receive. Very The Secret-esque, which is a book I’ve read and really loved. If you haven’t read it, I highly suggest it. It’s all about the power of positive thinking helping manifest your thoughts into realities.
But repeating that mantra and actually having it be a calming force that centers you back to reality isn’t so straightforward when you’re a person plagued by constant guilt you can’t put into logic. While I understand (and have experienced firsthand) the fact that it’s important to take care of yourself so you can be the best version of yourself for others, it is so hard to put into practice. For every dollar I spend on something for myself or hour I spend playing a video game, reading a book, watching a movie, etc., I feel like I can be spending it on helping others or at the very least learning something new that I can apply to something constructive, as opposed to texting my friend after binge-watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians and being like, “Oh God, I finally got to the episode where Kris tells Kim not to take selfies in the car because they’re on their way to see Khloé in jail.” (Next checkpoint: the Todd Kraines prank call episode. I still don’t even know who Todd Kraines is.)
Guilt is my constant emotion that I can always count on, and it’s rough. The last time I can remember truly taking care of myself was when Ricky and I broke up in 2010 and Josh wasn’t ready to commit and I was floating along trying to distract myself from the thing I wanted. I felt like, because I was so hurt inside, that I was allowed to put myself first because no one else was going to. I lost some weight, started running, ran a freaking half marathon and felt like a million bucks. Now, I am experiencing pain that is much different but still as intense with all this infertility shit, so why can’t I do the same thing? Is it because Josh is here to support me? If I felt more alone, would that make me more apt to care for myself again or would I spiral down into a black hole this time? I don’t want to find out but sometimes I wonder what has to give for me to feel like it’s OK to breathe.
Speaking of. A couple sessions ago, once Josh and I had made the decision to charge deliberately forward with IVF, my therapist said, “You’re breathing more, I’m noticing.” I was like huh? She meant literally what she said, that I wasn’t holding my breath for such prolonged periods of time and that I was speaking more slowly and deliberately, and taking breaths like a normal human. It’s something I notice at the most random times, like in the shower. I’ll realize I haven’t had a good inhale or exhale in too long and scramble to fill my lungs again. The breathing exercises are the one thing I love about yoga. I just wish my wrists weren’t so weak.
I mean, I wish my wrists were stronger. “Ask for what you want.” I’m trying.