22; IU Whyyyy

So long story short, I started testing early last cycle after the IUI, got a faint positive at 13 DPO, and it was gone by the next day. I’m almost sure that means I had a chemical pregnancy, which really blows, but at this point it’s not really as devastating as it may have been for me a year or two years ago. Sad but true.

The worst part, honestly, was letting myself get back into that cycle of obsession with testing. I’m not joking, I spent $50 going through four boxes of First Response Early Result pregnancy tests, willing my eyes to see something that was never fully there. I know this time I will test 12 DPO, so Wednesday, Dec. 18. But I am not letting myself do it before that. It’s too much heartache and stress, and I’m not doing it again.

I want to be positive/optimistic, but I’m just neutral. I told Josh today, in the exam room as we were waiting for the doctor to come administer our seventh and final IUI, that I felt like we were just burning money doing it today. I know that’s Negative Nancy territory, but I can’t help it. It has been three very long years, and the longer we keep doing this, the less attachment I have to it. I am relieved, in a way, every time it doesn’t work. I wonder if that means deep down that I don’t actually want children, and that scares me. Maybe I don’t, or am not meant to. And maybe this is the universe’s way of reminding me of that.

Those are the thoughts that go through my head a lot and have since we started down this path, but I’m not as sad about it as I used to be. When family/friends of ours with kids can’t do something because they have kids and we get to do whatever we want, whenever we want, I can’t hate it. I truly have a great life, and there is a lot to be thankful for. Would a child make it better? I’m sure. But I don’t feel like I’ll be incomplete without one anymore.

Anyway. This time around, I had a 17 mm and 14 mm follicle on my left ovary and a 17 mm on my right, which makes me happy. Both sides is what I was hoping for. Josh’s count was good, the IUI went smoothly. I’m crossing my fingers that this is the one, but if not, time to start prepping to transfer that last little embryo.

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